The Official Joke Thread

[Omi]

Real life gettin ya down? Then come on in, read, laugh, have a hoot! Let the jokes roll!!!!!



A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking
for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no-haggle-on-prices"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator,
so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
"Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha?"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps,
determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the
shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee
where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and
with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.
Lying nearby, were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches
this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde
struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes
heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out,
"Crap, this one is barefooted, too!!"

[Omi]

Cindarella, old and grey, sat in her rocking chair on her front porch holding her only friend, her cat. Her sweet prince had grown old by her side but had died from a brief illness. In their time together he'd made some bad investments and when he died he'd left Cindy poor and penniless. The ramshackle cottage was all she had.

Then poof appeared her fairy godmother whom she hadn't seen in years. Fairy godmother said I'm here again Cindy to grant you 3 wishes. You've been good and this is your reward.

Cindy thought for a while and came up with her wishes. I want to be rich enough to live out my life in comfort, I want to be young and beautiful again. Poof, her rocking chair was solid gold. Poof she was once again gorgeous. Fairy godmother asked about her third wish. I want a young handsome man to live my life with and since I love my cat, turn him into this man. Poof, Cindy's cat was a tall handsome man, so handsome that Cindy was instantly in love with him.

She jumped for joy, hugged Fairy Godmother, and they said their goodbyes. The handsome man walked gently up to Cindy, brushed her hair back, looked her in the eyes and leaned gently towards her. Then he whispered in her ear something she'd never forget: "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

[Buddha]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster,
the boss asked,"Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who
should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a co! p would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, and more than just a little frustrated,
the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"ME."

[Fire Breathing Cow]

I grew up with that kid! :D

[Dags]

An oldie, but a goodie lol

[Omi]

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and
a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become
21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,
you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I
Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

[Omi]

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through
Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S." Pedro said, "
I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, "Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Pedro passed the test.

[Doronron]

[twitch, twitch]

OK. If we had a really sick joke thread, I'd have a winner, but since we don't, so...I'll go with dumb and short.

A Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch. The bardtender slowly stops buffing the countertop as he watches this man hobble and huff and puff his way up to the stools, the wheel slowly spinning with each labored step.

"Uh, sir?" the bartender hesitantly asks, "You do know you have a wheel attached to your crotch?"

The pirate bellies up to the bar and says, "Arrrgh, it's driving me nuts."

[Omi]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door
and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... shoite," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says "No way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He
takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. Cursing again he
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did. I was really drunk. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned to tell you, you left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Doronron]

Who here wants to read the worst joke I've ever heard? May offend some, garaunteed to make you look as if you just sucked on a lemon.

[Veritass]

"Honey, why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

"Because you're never here." :rolleyes:

[Keebelf]

A man is stumbling down the street, noticebly drunk, with his keys in his hand. A cop stops him and asks if he is okay.

"No!" he says in a drunken slur."I can't find my car."

"Well, sir, where was the last place you remember seeing it?" the cop asks.

"It was on the end of my keys!" the drunk says.

The cop lowers his head, shaking it in disbelief when he notices that the man's zipper is undone and he is exposing himself.

"Uh, sir, did you know that you are exposing yourself?" the cops asks

The man looks down in shock. "Oh sh*t, you mean they took my girl too!?"


:D

It sounds better when you can mimic the drunk slurring.

[FrostElfGuard]

I would highly suggest the post have a warning at the top.

.IF YOUR LIKE ME, A BIT SLOW, AND DIDN'T READ FROSTY'S CAPTION, THIS IS IN REFERENCE TO Dororon's OFFER OF THE WORSTJOKE EVER

DAGS
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lots of room for scrolling down...to prevent tender eyes seeing it. :)

[Omi]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.


With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original
$1,000.00.


With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to
drink
heavily and recycle.


It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Keebelf]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.


With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original
$1,000.00.


With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to
drink
heavily and recycle.


It's called the 401-Keg Plan.


LOL Omi!!!!! CUTE!

[Veritass]

Warning -- Warning -- Warning -- Offensive to scatophiles and anyone with any sensibility.
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Really. Don't read this if you are easily offended!
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OK, I warned you...
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It seems there is this guy that has a very strange sexual predilection: he likes to stop in the middle of sex and defecate on his partner. Of course he has a hard time finding partners for this practice. One day he starts dating a woman of questionable reputation who "...will try anything once..." and she agrees to participate.

Much to her surprise, she finds that she actually enjoys the strange new act, and they start a ongoing relationship, regularly practicing this.

A month goes by, and in the middle of the sex he prepares to do this, but he has eaten a little too much cheese in the previous day, and he just can't get anything to come out. He looks down and is amazed to see her crying, so he asks, "Honey, what's wrong?"

In between her sobs, she cries out, "You've been seeing someone else!" :%
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Sorry. Go ahead and beat that for a bad joke.
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[Desimator]

Keep this up and I'll have to resort to Sandpaper Sally. :eek:

[Dags]

Scatophiles, scatology an interest in the functions of the bowels, urine, faeces. This is not a dictionary definition of scatology, but a general one. One of the most famous writers who had an interest in scatology was Jonathan Swift, the author of Gullivers Travels. Gullivers Travels whilst thought of by most as a childrens book is far from it. It is full of scatological references and was a very political peice of work. Swift was one very sich and twisted little bunny. While on the subject of poo and bunnies.......

A rabbit was out and about in the woods one day, nibbling all his favourite green things. Suddenly he had an extreme urge to have a bog, but the patch he was in was pretty thorny. Nearby though was a nice little glade, a bit open but there seemed to be nothing around of any danger. So the bunny tentativley found a nice clear spot and took his stance, raised his little bobbed tail and started to squeeze a couple out.

Just then a big brown bear lumbered into the glade right next to the rabbit, bunny froze in place, half way through a motion, scared allmost shitless. The brown bear stopped beside the rabbit glanced and him and proceded to have a bog himself. The rabbit wasn't game to move. After a few minutes straining to do his bussiness the bear grunted to the rabbit "do you mind when the **** sticks to your fur" still scared to death the rabbit stamered back " no no, it it fffalls offf affter aa couple of ddays". "good then" said the bear, picked the rabbit up and wiped his arse with him, inspected the brown marks on the rabbits back " dropped him back on the ground and said " see you back here in a couple of days".

[Veritass]

for attributing that joke to DoRonRon instead of to me. ;)

[Sanny]

AAhhhhh nowonder me n omi got on so well we both have bad taste in the best jokes :D

ok here we go ......

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP



1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.



BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s*$# - what happened?

[Sanny]

i have found my home here i just love funny joke and stories :D My friend once told me if you have one good belly laugh a day you wont go far wrong :)

Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half

discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.



Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well

developed and open to trade especially for someone

with cash.


Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,

relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently

aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the

war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive

reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and

borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps

people away.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a

glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
future.


After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone

knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a

dick.


need we say more ??? ;) lol

[Omi]

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[Sanny]

DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES......


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your
car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The
officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies!!!!!

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.... i thought Omi would like this :p

[Omi]

Perfectly funny Sanny. Thanks! Still laughing.

[Sanny]

Stupid, I know but it tickled me! and they say the old ones are the best O.o lol



A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper
bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad ! recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.

...

( Scroll Down )







this is good - wait for it.................




"Your mother must have been a carrier "

[Omi]

Guy goes to a psychiatrist.

What's your complaint asks the doc.

I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, says the guy.

Oh, I'm gonna give you a prescription for a sedative says the doc cause...










You're two tents. (get it, too tense, ok if I have to explain it it ain't funny)

[Sanny]

A New Zealander (Kiwi), a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,

the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could,

but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Sanny]

CRAZY WORLD



A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car

during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.



********



After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting

from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his

incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered

everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very

excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



********



An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from

serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how

he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



********



A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an

examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is

pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the

doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise

her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was just checking ...



********



When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim

during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James

Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



********



The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting

machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his

insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one

of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.



********



A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him

something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a

bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large

plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

[Omi]

AT THE RACETRACK

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted
one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh race today."

[FrostElfGuard]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favourite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My
favourite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favourite!
12:00 a.m. Oh, boy! The kids! My favourite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favourite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favourite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favourite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My
favourite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My
favourite!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt
to kill my captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded;
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit on
their favourite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and
brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make
them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, not
working according to plan. There was some sort of
gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement
throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More importantly, I
overheard that my confinement was due to my power of
"allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be
an informant, and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room, his safety is
assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time ...

[Tzhebee]

This joke is amazingly funny when you are drunk and/or very very sleep deprived.

The Bull
There is a father and his two daughters (a blonde and a brunette) who raise cows for a living. The father gets in a freak accident and dies, along with the only bull. The daughters take over the farm and realize they need a bull to mate with the cows. They check the farm savings and see that they only have $500. So the brunette says she will go to the nearby towns to see if anyone has a bull for sale, and she will wire a message home for her sister to bring the truck and trailer.

The brunette eventually finds a bull for sale a few towns over. She purchases the bull for $499. She then goes to the telegraph office to send a telegram to her sister to bring the truck and pick up the bull. The telegraph operator informs her that it costs $1 per word. The brunette thinks for a while and decides to send a message that says "Comfortable".

The telegraph operator is confused as to how "comfortable" will relay the message she needs. The brunette explains that her sister is blonde so she sounds out big words.

~*~*~*~*~

[Keebelf]

I must be sleep deprived because I know I am not drunk and that was FUNNY! (course, I am blond so.....)

[TemetNosce]

Dear Tech Support:

>

>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed

>that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took

>up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0

>installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other

>system activities such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and

>Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

>

>I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run

>my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend

>7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!!

>

>

>Thanks,

>

>A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

>

>_______________________________________________

>

>REPLY:

>

>Dear Troubled User:

>

>This is a very, very common problem that men complain about.

>

>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it

>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING

>SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also

>impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is

>impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system

>once installed.

>

>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to

>not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under

>Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and

>work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background

>application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

>

>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because

>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

>system will return to normal anyway.

>

>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!

>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep

>3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

>

>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will

>cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,

>the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase

>additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Diamonds 5.0 ! !



>WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With

>Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will

>cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

>

>Best of luck,

>Tech Support

[Dags]

Great jokes peeps, keep up the posting. We might even look at having a joke of the month award down the track. Thanks for the many laughs:% :% :%

[Sanny]

my weekly bash at sharing a smile.... more likely to be a groan with this us :p

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in her pubic hair where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley

[Omi]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a
few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

[Sanny]

Great joke Omi i like the parrot one :D

Dear All,

As part of our on going cost-cutting exercise, we are proposing a
major change to our Desktop policy and a further move towards a
recycling and paperless office. The goal is to remove all laptop
computers by December 2005 and all desktop computers by February
2006.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.


>> > Technical Justification:
>>
>> >
>>
>> > > > 1. No boot-up problems
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > 4. No more worries about power cuts.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > 5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all
>> > > > over
>>
>> > > > the screen.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: How do I create a New Document window?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same
>> > > > colour?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Pick it up and shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > A: Don't shake it.
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > Regards
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > >
>>
>> > > > IT Department.

[Sanny]

Joke of teh day :D

The chicken, the horse, and the Harley


> On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whomloved to play
> together.
>
> One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
> sink.
>
> Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
> farmer for help!
>
> Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
> and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
> the only tractor.
>
> Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
> keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
> still had time to save his
> friend's life.
>
> Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
> arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
> rope the chicken tossed to him.
>
> After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
> chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
> rescued the horse!
>
> Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
> the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
> The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
> Pals.
>
> A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
> began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
>
> The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>
> Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
> he would then lift him out of the pit.
>
> The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
> his life.
>
>
> The moral of the story? . . . . . . .
>
> "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.

[Celebrimbor]

Sanny -

I nearly choked on my pie - this is the funniest joke I've seen in a long...long...long... time. Thanks for putting a great laugh in my day.

[Sanny]

And therse more (in Irish accent)

Disturbing News.

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.



No further testing was considered necessary.



LMAO :o

[Celebrimbor]

OMG - Sanny - Twice in one day - This is priceless! I literally laughed out loud (my wife however, failed to see the humour). Thanks for bringing so much laughter and mirth into my day. It's one of the best birthday presents I got...

[Sanny]

Glad to be of some help :o... another couple of crackers here they made me LOL :D

WOMEN'S LOGIC

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to
take their boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and takes
out her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious.

"You're in a restricted fishing area." he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." she tells him.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could
start at any moment."

"Have nice day, ma'am," he said... and quickly left.

THE MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY SHE CAN ALSO
THINK


>UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
>
>Always wear clean underwear in public,especially when working under
your
>vehicle.
>
>From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
>couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
>down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
>shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
>
>The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On

>closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the
>chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned

>private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
>embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
>his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
>
>On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
>staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic,
however,
>had to have three stitches in his forehead

[Jonnyx]

>>> > > Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

>>> > > Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

>>> > > Muff (Northern Ireland)

>>> > > Bastard (Norway)

>>> > > Twatt (Shetland, UK)

>>> > > Twatt (Orkney, UK)

>>> > > Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

>>> > > ****ie (Zimbabwe)

>>> > > Climax (Colorado, USA)

>>> > > Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

>>> > > Shafter (California, USA)

>>> > > Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

>>> > > Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

>>> > > Donk (Belgium)

>>> > > Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

>>> > > Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall, UK)

>>> > > Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

>>> > > Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

>>> > > Stains (Near Paris, France)

>>> > > Seymen (Turkey)

>>> > > Turdo (Romania)

>>> > > Fukum (Yemen)

>>> > > Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

>>> > > Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

>>> > > Fuku (Shensi, China)

>>> > > ****ie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

>>> > > ****s River (Nicaragua)

>>> > > ****endorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

>>> > > ****ener (India)

>>> > > Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

>>> > > Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

>>> > > Hold With Hope (Greenland)

>>> > > Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

>>> > > Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

>>> > > Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

>>> > > Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

>>> > > Tittybong (Australia)

>>> > > Dikshit (India)

>>> > > Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

>>> > > Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

[Dags]

Yeah I suppose you been to all of them :D :% :%

[kiddiccarus]

A training session for law enforcement investigators was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".

[Jonnyx]

I split off the other ones you put up Kidd....moved them to the Boozer instead....

[Jonnyx]

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look,

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks", the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says.....






"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?!"

[kiddiccarus]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[kiddiccarus]

I split off the other ones you put up Kidd....moved them to the Boozer instead....

Moved hmmmm now I have to remember the password......:%

[Celebrimbor]

Subject: Kids In Church

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His
name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the Christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the
lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her children, as they were on their way to
church service, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked loudly. Finally, his
big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to
the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the
door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought
a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and
said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Celebrimbor]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[Dags]

Actually Mate you do them in the closet, so the buggers can't jump away from you, but they do boing up and down on the spot, so you dont have to do much but stand there:D :% :% .

[Blackblood]

Actually Mate you do them in the closet, so the buggers can't jump away from you, but they do boing up and down on the spot, so you dont have to do much but stand there:D :% :% .

You should use the sheep and wellington boots trick.

I'm gonna stop there i can feel Jonny's itchy finger on the the close thread button or dump to the boozer

[Sanny]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a
date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafé. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As
soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the DELETE button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

[Omi]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny replied, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Omi]

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog


http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/familydog.jpg

[Sanny]

Subject: Saving for Retirement

Bush's new plan to save Social Security has great potential. Very
popular with College Students and some industrial groups.

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT: If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel
stock one year ago, it would now be Worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drunk
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Sanny]

Dunno why this made me think of Jonny....


One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to
make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want after
all you're the guv'

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want
just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill
it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up
with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall,
floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you
want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".

"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end
of his tether.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Omi]

Why Math is Taught in School---- (Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way
every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40
feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something
like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women
drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. Thats 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not......

[Jonnyx]

LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE IN 15 MINUTES

1. That's not right..........Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive.....Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See Me asap.......... Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid Man......... Dum Fuk
5. Small Horse........ Tai Ni Po Ni
6 Did you go to the beach?....... Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped into a coffee table........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here..... Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet.... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone.... No Pah King
12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week.........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. Staying out of sight......... Lei Ying Lo
14. He's cleaning his automobile......... Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive..... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[Jonnyx]

> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
> second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
> toy.
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
> down there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
> chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus.
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
> SUCCESS:
> At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . .. Having friends.
> At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 20 success is . . having s e x.
> At age 35 success is . . . having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 60 success is . . . having s e x.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[Sanny]

Give this a go its not big or clever you will need a calculator its not big or clever but it is really easy and very cleaver.


This is fun!


YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH




This is pretty neat.



DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!



It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it

out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)



















2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)























3. Add 5 (for Sunday)




















4.. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator...























5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755...

If you haven't, add 1754 .



















6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.























You should have a three digit number .























The first digit of this was your original number (how many times you want to have chocolate each week).



The next two numbers are .












YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

[Dags]

Good one sanny spot on, I'm only a short time off my birthday and it came out exactly:confused:, but I'm old school I could do the math in my head:D :% :%

[Dags]

Hers a little gem that I'm sure that ladies will appreciate. Why men shouldn't take messages.

[Blackblood]

Be wary of who you chat to

[Sanny]

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one!)

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Lea]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said,

"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said,

"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,

"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[FrostElfGuard]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many
sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business."

"Now, give me back my dog."

[Blackblood]

Speciality Spliffs
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says

'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.

On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks

'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'

'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'

'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'

'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.

'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.

[Sanny]

Lessons from the corporate ladder

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Sanny]

Deep Questions :

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?




16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ............ they're still going to see you naked anyway.

[Omi]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" She replied....

You're gonna love this.....





"Well, I can't work in the dark!" :D

[Sanny]

How fast O.o...........

[Dags]

Hmm wonder if the job as hands model is still open for this, I'd have to have lots and lotas of practise:D Oww, frying pan just appeared out of no where and hit me on head. Good one Sanny:) :)

[Sanny]

You’ll like these………………

Please use these out of office messages as you see fit !!!

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99
for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons... When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'

[Sanny]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"Stop that or I'll knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about EXPLOSIVES:

"This room of yours looks as if a bombs gone off in it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

"Just wait until we get home."

[Impietas]

Here is a bit of an interesting theory…

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don’t care for her as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
Barbara taught me that Marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the Cocaine and Ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don’t worry dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

Mozzy


P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk center drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe for me to come home.

[Dags]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. One in a jar of alcohol; the 2nd into a jar of cigarette smoke; the 3rd into a jar of sperm, and the last into ajar of soil.

After one day these were the results: Worm in alcohol... dead, worm in cigarette smoke... dead, the worm in a jar of sperm.... dead. The worm in a jar of soil very much alive.

So as long as you drink, smoke and have sex you won't get worms.

[Sanny]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Sanny]

Employee Evaluations, worked with a few of these :p
> >
> >For anyone who has ever had to give a performance
> >evaluation to an employee - just remember, it could
> >have been worse. These are actual quotes taken
> >from Federal Government employee performance
> >evaluations.
> >




> >1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
> >rock-bottom and has started to dig."
> >
> >2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
> >
> >3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
> >but more of a definite won't be."
> >
> >4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
> >cornered like a rat in a trap."
> >
> >5. "When she opens her mouth, it is only to change
> >feet."
> >
> >6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
> >
> >7. "He sets low personal standards and then
> >consistently fails to achieve them."
> >
> >8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
> >an idiot."
> >
> >9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
> >starts, the better."
> >
> >10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
> >to hold it all together."
> >
> >11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
> >ordinary ignoramus."
> >
> >12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
> >
> >15. "He's been working with glue too much."
> >
> >16. "He would argue with a signpost."
> >
> >17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the
> >room."
> >
> >18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
> >
> >19. "If you see two people talking and one looks
> >bored, he's the other one."
> >
> >20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
> >glued on."
> >
> >21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
> >
> >22. "Donated his brain to science... he wasn't using
> >it anyway."
> >
> >23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
> >train isn't coming."
> >
> >24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the
> >other is out looking for it."
> >
> >25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
> >watered twice a week."
> >
> >26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
> >get change."
> >
> >27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
> >the ocean."
> >
> >28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
> >sperm."
> >
> >29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
> >
> >30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
> >only gargled."
> >
> >31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
> >
> >32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[Omi]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Omi]

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Sanny]

As we age, our priorities change . . .
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in
very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me
up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.....

[Omi]

Understanding Engineers - Take Five


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Sanny]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said,
"My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company
at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's
the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to
flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he
gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in
the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations
for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."


The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a
top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[Dags]

Well done to everyone who posts jokes in this thread, I can't remember a joke to save my life, but I allways get a good laugh from those in here.:)

[Omi]

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to
his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with
pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of
his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach
down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land
this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked
the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without
mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his
wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the
stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out.............. right
into the water.

[Sanny]

(Although this story is fictious it is based on real life events but the names have been changed to protect the innocent!!!)

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee" answered Michael.

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" replied Peter.

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Paddy, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

[Sanny]

Couplla funnies... how connected to our pc'c r we?? :o he he enjoy :p

[Lady Alynor]

Lol Sanny, loved those! :D

[SirQuester]

Thanks for the laughs Sanny. :)

[Omi]

Redneck car lock.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/Redneckcarlock.jpg

[Omi]

Redneck cat carrier.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/redneckcatcarrier.jpg

Coming soon Redneck 3 & 4

[Omi]

Redneck faucet.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/redneckfaucet.jpg

[Omi]

Redneck lottery winner.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/rednecklotterywinner.jpg

To be continued.

[Omi]

Redneck mailbox.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/redneckmailbox.jpg

[Omi]

And last but cutest:

Redneck palm pilot.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/Humor/redneckpalmpilot.jpg

[Sanny]

Only in Japan 1

[Sanny]

2 tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones;



the first tramp stops at one stone and says; hey this bloke was 182;



the other tramp asks; oh yeah what was his name;







miles from London came the reply.







q. what do you call celery with high blood pressure?











A. RHUBARD

[Omi]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[Tzhebee]

couple more rednecks: hurse and cup-holder. :p

[Omi]

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a
paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my
dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be
more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car
for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list:
"Wean kids

[Sanny]

Anyone up for a new pc or an upgrade??....

[Domminus Darkmyst]

LMAO I need that upgrade....

[Sanny]

The Christmas Party Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste
like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"



Broken Coffee Table £89.99,

Hot Breakfast £5.25,

Two Aspirins 35p

Saying the right thing at the right time .......Priceless!


@Dom.... wish thet could make a decent Tea's maid roflol

[Tzhebee]

A Woman's Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.


Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. ;)


Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[Omi]

"Despite bad weather and delays, NASA was able to get the
space shuttle Discovery to the ground safely. They had to
reroute the landing due to bad weather. Even though the
landing was safe, not surprisingly the crew's luggage was
sent to Atlanta." --Conan O'Brien

***

"There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Grace-
land. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she
didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn
it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction."
--Jay Leno

***

"It was hot today. Like 90 out. It was so hot here in
Beverly Hills I saw a guy in a Porsche with his toupee
down." --Craig Ferguson

[Sanny]

im bored lets see what we can find to put a smile up :D

This will be me in the morning i hate fridays till about 5pm :p

[Omi]

In the UUPYRS section there's a whole thread of just cartoons for those who get a chuckle out of 'em, just in case some didn't know.

[Omi]

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The
husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his
wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to
their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by
very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's
thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. But just a few minutes later a train again
shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the
manager who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story
is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the
manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What
are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting
for a train?"

[Sanny]

Says it all....... :o

[Sanny]

Work V Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, This
should make things a bit more clear.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an
8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you
pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing
games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees
on the toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family. (No personal
calls and family visitations do not belong in the work
place)
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to
pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Sanny]

Tomato Economics... (sad and true)....


An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and
three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily
passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get
you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand
that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.
Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times
more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night
with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes
of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy
a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business
grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where
you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:............


Since you got this story by DA-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

[Sanny]

A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise' The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...


> .


> .


> .


> .


> .


> .


> .


> .


> 'I've brought you the Peeking duck'

[Sanny]

> 1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
>
> 2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
>
> 3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
>
> 4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
>
> 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to
> watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
>
> 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
>
> 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not
> to hit him? It might be your bike.
>
> 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and
> hairy, the other's a coconut.
>
> 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
>
> 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
>
> 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
>
> 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
>
> 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please?
>
> 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
>
> 15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
>
> 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
>
> 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
>
> 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw
> anything.
>
> 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
>
> 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver
> bleeders job innit."
>
> 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to
> close the Nova's window in the car wash
>
> 22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random
> stranger for no reason whatsoever.
>
> 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
>
> 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
> approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the
> pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they
> stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde
> employee,
>
> "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please
> pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the
> counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
>
> 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society

[LadyPenelope]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in despiration, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[LadyPenelope]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[LadyPenelope]

Mike and Mary were having some problems at home and were giving each other "the silent treatment". But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning drive with some mates to a golf match. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and that his friends would've left for the golf course without him.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are simply not equipped for these kind of contests

[LadyPenelope]

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!

[Sanny]

Funny Kid
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy its not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or clever! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Sanny]

*Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese *



To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.



Except Utah, which she does not fancy.



Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.



A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.



The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.



You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."



You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.



Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.



Look up "interspersed."



There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.



2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).



You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.



While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.



British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.



The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).



We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.



You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.



7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.



Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.



11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.



12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.



13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).



14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.



15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.



16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).



Thank you for your co-operation.



Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

· Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms





Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation

· Jimmy Carr





The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears

· Chris Addison at the Pleasance





My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs

· Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon





The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself

· Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance





My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night



· Susan Murray at the Underbelly





Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

· Adam Bloom at the Pleasance





My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a twit.

· Susan Murray at the Underbelly





You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Sh*t, I wasn’t listening ... Self-raising?”

· Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms





The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face

· Jeremy Limb, at the Trap





I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”

· Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron





Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

· Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance





Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time

· Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms





A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs. Why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

· Steven Alan Green at C34





Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda

· Brendon Burns at the Pleasance





I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!”

· Norman Lovett at The Stand





It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.

· Chris Addison at the Pleasance





I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.

· Arnold Brown at The Stand





If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

· Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

[Lady Alynor]

Roflmao! Sanny, I love you! :D That decalaration was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. And I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly...Reinstate the U's!!! :p

[FrostElfGuard]

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda

· Brendon Burns at the Pleasance



----
I did go shopping at Asda in Glasgow.
I didn't notice any difference.

[Blackblood]

Sanny honey you rock, thats just cheered up a mundane morning at work for me

[Sanny]

Thats the best joke of all ...Blackblood working mmmwwhahahaa :% glad they cheered ya up hun :D

[Blackblood]

Thats the best joke of all ...Blackblood working mmmwwhahahaa :% glad they cheered ya up hun :D


I said at work, they dont pay me enough to actually do something.

[Sanny]

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and
even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!


It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side
of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were Scarce, and
no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see
a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights
of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand
still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the
car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind
the wheel.


All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead
and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray,


Begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve,
a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.


Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time
they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs
the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can
to the nearest town.


Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks
for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible
experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and
amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.


About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in
amazement one says to the other.







"Look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got in the car when we were pushing
it!


@ BB phheeww had us all worried there :p

[Sanny]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their

family member lay gravely ill.



Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the

worried

faces.



"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain

transplant.



It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.



Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the

brain

yourselves."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great

length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain

cost?"



The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a

female brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding

eye

contact with the women, but some actually smirked.



A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone



wanted to ask,



"Why is the male brain so much more?"



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to

mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been

used."





SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK

CAN

HANDLEIT!

[Sanny]

POLISH DIVORCE

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Do either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"



POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, it say, 'Polish Remover'

[Omi]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER IN DRIVE BY SHOOTING

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head during a drive by shooting, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde

[Sanny]

Nice one Omi...but no funny ideas Darrall!!

[FrostElfGuard]

Once upon a time, there was a small village called Trid nestled in chain of huge mountains. The peasents who lived in this town were very poor (as peasents usualy are) because every year the king sent his tax collector out to take almost all of the f ood that the peasents grew. One year, when the tax collector went to retreive his annual tax, none of the peasents had any food at all, claiming that the giant who lived in the mountains had stolen all that they had. Being unable to collect the taxes, (o r to find anything else worth taking) the tax collector returned to the king to bring him the news that there would be no taxes this year and to relay the story of the giant in the mountains. When the king of Trid heard of this he was outraged and order ed 100 of his bravest soldiers to go to the mountains, slay the giant, and bring back the lost crops. The soldiers began to march up a steep mountain path, but before they had gone too far, the giant appeared from around a corner and kicked all of the so diers off a nearby cliff. Only one soldier escaped death and he, being a good soldier, returned quickly to the king and told him of their misfourtions, after which he died of internal injuries. The king was now even angrier, and ordered 200 soldiers, le d by a preist, to march up the mountain and recover the crops. The soldiers instanly set off up the steep path, but around the same corner the giant came again and kicked all of the soldiers (and the preist) off the cliff. Once agin, one man returned t o the king to retell his sad story. The King of Trid was now FURIOUS and orderd 500 soldiers, led by a rabbi, to attempt the same mission. Once again the solders reached the cliff and were greeted by the horendous giant kicking them off the cliff. Every body was knocked off execept for the old rabbi, who watched the others meet their demise and then saw the giant turn to walk away. "Giant," the rabbi called, "why have you killed all of these men but spared me, an old rabbi?" The giant turned again, walke d to the rabbi and gently patted him on the head as he said, "Silly rabbi, Kicks are for Trids." ~Drew Courtney~

[FrostElfGuard]

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

[Sanny]

Who Has The Best Invention
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a
minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big
deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed,
but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went
to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!

[LadyPenelope]

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger. It has taken all his space and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled to avoid loss of cache and other objects

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that stinks in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that the program is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug Warning: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources

[Omi]

WHY GALS HAVE 2 HANDS

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/gals2hands.jpg


WHY GUYS HAVE 2 HANDS

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y252/NaomiTaylor/guys2hands.jpg

[Sanny]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The

preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, when he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"



(Are ya ready for this??????????????????)



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,



"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Sanny]

Survey Results
A recent survey was conducted in the UK with over 2000 women interviewed.
The question of the survey was:
Would you ever consider having an affair with Australian Cricketer Shane
Warne?
The results were as might be expected and are listed below.
1% Yes
6% They may consider it
93% They wouldn't do it again

[Silent Elegy]

A little reminder for all you men in the clan....

Click here. (http://infopanic.com/wacked/mansong.html)

[yellowlab]

HahaHa. I have been looking all over for that song. They play it on the radio every once and a while. I noticed they don't have the woman song up.

bob

[Domminus Darkmyst]

A little reminder for all you men in the clan....

Click here. (http://infopanic.com/wacked/mansong.html)
ROFL too funny El, havent heard that in ages

[Chan Dria]

LOL .. The Man Song thats to funny ...good one :D

[Omi]

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"




5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Omi]

Here's another way to deal with a telemarketer....

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood", then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

[Wrage]

LOL! I loved the children one Omi!!!

[Sanny]

A blonde guy and Dag's were working for the city works department. One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was
amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were
doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are
putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today
the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

[Sanny]

Hey Blackblood and Wrage..... did your Missuses try this.....

I thought you might like this.

For those women that have breastfeed their children ... Or are thinking
about it ... <G>

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel."
If
you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.

Day 1: Gently rub your nipple with sandpaper.

Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each
time
it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples
clamped in a pair of crocodile clips.

Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green
marker,
then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel pretty."

Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen
plastic milk bags.

Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on
"medium
pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then
wrap
firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get use
to
it."

Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity
bra.
Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using
the
other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making
sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal
like
god intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an
endless
loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and
stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11: Go someplace public- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your
office building- stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the
doll's
arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt.
Feign
nonchalant smile.

Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

[Sanny]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is,
why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...

"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" :p

[Sanny]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan?

[Omi]

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

[Amran/Endarmir]

A man comes in a cafe, and he starts to talk some bit of well, 'grown up' stuff. then after a while he says. aw man i keep on having wet dreams. lats night i was dreaming this: i was walking in a pub, and there was this lady sitting behind the bar, who was just getting some beer. and at the sound og the beer getting in the glass, i so had to go to the bathroom! so im running, make it and do my duty. when i came out, i woke up. my intire bed was wet of my own pee. its starting to get annoying... :rolleyes:

[Amran/Endarmir]

a man askt his friend of france how his vancantion in Australia was.

''ah, tres bonne! i went seeing animals.'' and he gets his pictures from his pocket. his friend sees something he doesnt know ''what is that?'' ''oh lala, c'est a dangerou.'' and again another strange animal. again' oh lala, c'est a dangerou.'' all the animals are said to be a dangerou-like creature. then the man asks '' how can all this animals be a dangerou?'' then the man says ''oh, it was on a sign, all the animals are dangerou's.

(see why its unusefull to be bad in english :rolleyes: )

[Omi]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.



Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.



In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.



As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.



As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"



She smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"



"Yes,"



"Well, today I didn't do it."

[Omi]

Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

[Sanny]

Senior Moments



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."






When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big its not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or clever he always was."





An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"






When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 AM." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"




Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . . . I know we've been friends for a long time . . . but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Sanny]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in
single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for
your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.
Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of
silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

[Sanny]

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

[Sanny]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a softie; I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of hard case I’ll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says”Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."



"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are flipping menthol"

[Sanny]

BLUURRGGHHH!!!

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Dagsie the 3rd ?"

"Yes, Father it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Sanny"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Sanny"

"I'll never tell."


"Was it Sanny?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

"Was it Sanny7?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Sanny, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Dagsie the 3rd and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Dagsie the 3rd walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and a sure thing..."

[Sanny]

Two old guys, aged 80 and 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old called at the bakery. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, “yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, “yes, I'll take 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard?'

"Ye gods", he replied, “everybody in the world seems to know about this Italian bread except me!!"

[Omi]

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."


The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much smarter. When will men ever learn?

[Sanny]

Kate moss runs into Jeremy Clarkson; she says who are you; he says I do top gear; she says fantastic give me four grams :p

[Sanny]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plateglass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Sanny]

RIVER WALK



There's this Dags bloke out for a walk. he comes to a river and sees Jonny X on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" he shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" Jonny looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[Omi]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry Epoxy Paint had glued her to the commode Seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

He said "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before".

[FrostElfGuard]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so
much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:
"What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then
asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended
toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,
we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt
dust?"

[FrostElfGuard]

---A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy
Land. While they were there,
the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here
and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."

[FrostElfGuard]

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.

6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.

8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.

[Sanny]

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Mind you airplanes cant pick washing up of the floor clean, dry and iron them tho :p

[Omi]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies,
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She
answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
Just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about having a nun kiss me." She
responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into
the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make
a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,"said the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've
sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Bruce and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Sanny]

For all the engineers and those in management...

Engineers and Management:
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer" said the balloonist. "I am" he replied. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man responded, "You must be in management." "I am" she replied, "But how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

[Sanny]

Bird flu :p

[Omi]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar.

While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[Omi]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs,
big busted, and she's wearing a see-thru blouse and really short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"

"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours".

[Omi]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.

[Omi]

A Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his
cowboy boots. He'd asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling
and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, by the
time the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together
they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't
you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull
the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. Just about as the boots came off, he
added, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace
and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet yet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

[Sanny]

Mummy balloon, daddy balloon and little baby balloon.
Baby balloon was scared of the dark and didn't like sleeping in his own bed. Each night he would sneak into his parents room and try to get into bed with them. One night he came in and tried to get in next to his mum, but he woke her and she took him back to his own room, tucked him in and sat with him 'til he went to sleep. The next night, he tried again, on his dads side. However, his dad woke up, and carried baby balloon back to his own bed. This went on for a few days. He knew he needed to be quieter in order to not wake his parents.

Next night, he went in to their room, as quietly and gently as he could, he tried to slip into bed next to his mum, but there was no room. He tip toed to his dads side of the bed, but again, he couldn't get in. He thought he'd try the middle so he crept up the bed and tried again. Still no room! He tried letting a little air out of his mum, still not enough room. He tried letting a little air out of his dad, but alas, there was still no room. Finally, he decided to let a little air out of himself... "Yes, that’s enough!", he thought as he slipped into bed between mum and dad balloon. He promptly fell asleep.

Next morning, his dad was angry when he woke to find baby balloon in bed with him. He sat baby balloon on the edge of the bed and said to him...

"I'm very upset with you. You've let me down, you've let your mum down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down!"

[Sanny]

This will make the boys the laugh... not too hard tho :p

[Sanny]

> Taken from the newspapers...

>

> 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
> gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather

> high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
> for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
> (The Daily Telegraph)

> 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
> salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
> was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

>

> 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
> Guardian)

>

> 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
> was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

>

> 5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard
> and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but

> he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

> blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

>

> 6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
> audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
> sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
> 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when

> the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
> spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[Sanny]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that Dags t 3rd was at the wheel knitting! Realising that he was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" Dags t 3rd yelled back, "it's A SCARF!"

[sinclsw007]

ROFLMAO :% .

Nice one Sanny :) .

[Thorin Oakshield]

Donald Rumsfeld was briefing President Bush on the day's activity in Iraq when he mentioned that "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

The President put his head in his hands and began weaping. "That is just awful!"

The staff was a little shocked, but touched none the less.

After a moment the President looked up and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

[Omi]

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

[Kittani]

A blonde joke for ya's:

Two Blondes were standing in an office one day when 1 blonde said to the other, "I'm going to get a couple of days off."

The other blonde asked how she planned on managing that, "Not sure" replied the first blonde.

A couple of hours later the boss walks in, and here's the first blonde hanging from the ceiling.
"What ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!?" yells out the boss.
The blonde says quite frankfully, "I'm a lightbulb."
"Well you better take a couple of days off then." Says the boss, still alarmed.

So the first blonde packs up her stuff and walks out. A few minutes later, the second blonde packs up her things and proceeds to walk out as well.
"Now where do you think your going?" the boss says sternly.
The blonde replies, "Well, dah. You dont expect me to work in the dark do you?"

[FrostElfGuard]

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Collaboratio maximi momenti est, quia eis alterum scopum praebet.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

Conare nullius momenti videri fortasse missilibus careant.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

[sinclsw007]

Ha! Love 'em Frosty, - I feel an attack of plagiarism coming on ;) .

[Lady Alynor]

Lol, I should try the catapultam habeo on my latin prof and see if it works. :p

[Blond Moments]

My mom saw that one in one of her e-mails. one of my family members sent it to her (or somthing like that lol :)).

[Thorin Oakshield]

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.


Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3:

Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4:

God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.




Letter 5:

God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE !!!!!!
Bobby








Thorin

[Omi]

A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blond says, "Heaven help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[kiddiccarus]

1) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

(2) I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

(3) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

(4) Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

(5) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

(6) I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

(7) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

(8) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

(9) I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

(10) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

(11) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell."

(12) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[kiddiccarus]

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000 -- a lot of money -- but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny
out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","
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get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

[Omi]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," the manager said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... "A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did. --

[sinclsw007]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre - so he gave her one.

A man walked into the same bar and asked the barman for a sound check - so he gave him one-two, one-two.

[Omi]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years. Whereby the

auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.


They were surprised to find in 46 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh its not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or cleverits not big or clever !"



Only the states of Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, and Texas were different.

Where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin".

[Omi]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and
sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw! them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls"

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

[Celebrimbor]

Some handy things here! so next time you're at a dinner party and meet
up with a scorpion you'll know what to do - or at least have a good
topic to chat about!.


THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T...........

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was
albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces
will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the
shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because
in the time when all original print had to be set in individual
letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the
case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the
other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never
a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go
mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than
your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player
for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same
with apples! 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from
crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .....

Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they
take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and haul her fanny off to jail."

[Sanny]

Friendship among women

A woman does not come home one night.

The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house.

The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them know a thing about it.



Friendship among men

A man doesn't come home at night.

The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house.

The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends.

Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there

[Celebrimbor]

How to clean the toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.









Sincerely,
The Dog

[FrostElfGuard]

My dear Friends,
I want to wish each of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a wonderful new year
to come! You are all special to me and I appreciate and love each and
everyone of you!!!

But especially, my heartfelt thanks goes out to all
those who have taken their time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the
past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use deodorant! Since
it causes cancer, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I
no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by
UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer
answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I
will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any
sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair
from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at
last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have
learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of
my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any
savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all -
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want
to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the
favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM (PST) this afternoon. I know this will occur, because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

[Sanny]

Not long ago and far far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual

trip,but there were problems everywhere.



Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the

toys as fast as the sick elves.



Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.



Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was going to come and visit.

This stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven

knows where......... More stress.



Then he began to load his sleigh, when one of the boards cracked and the

toy bag fell to the floor and scattered the toys all around.



Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of tea and a

shot of sherry. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had

drunk all his booze and there was nothing to drink. . . . In his

frustration, he dropped his teapot and it shattered into a million

pieces and all over the kitchen floor. He got his broom to sweep all the

bits up only to find that the mice had eaten the straw off the end of

the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door.



He opened the door to see a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree.



The angel said: "Isn't it a lovely day today Santa? I brought you a

lovely Xmas tree. Where shall I stick it?"



And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the

Christmas tree.

[Sanny]

The following was reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. The questions that appear below were actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: (There's nothing funnier than true life.)

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None"
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A: "Oral."

19. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. "You were shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

22: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." :rolleyes:

[Omi]

You've all probably heard at least one of these, but they're worth repeating!



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon ay s I see who's at the door."


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?", she asked. "To get my teeth!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

[Omi]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!. "Everyone liked him, so
they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say
instead that they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest
passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing
about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

[Blond Moments]

These r all really funny, i like them. I can't think of any myself now, so keep 'em coming!

[Omi]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."




His wife got up, unplugged the TV.

[Sanny]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[Sanny]

THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let's go home!

[Sanny]

: MFI
In honour of the newly announced gay marriages, (about time too), MFI are now selling lesbian beds..... there's no screwing involved, its just tongue and groove!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

: Educators



According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently
was faced with a unique problem.`
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would
put them back.
Finally the head decided that something had to be done. She called all the
girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
janitor to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors
.There are teachers, and then there are educators.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

: World's Shortest Fairy Tale
World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went clubbing, dancing,
fishing, drinking, always had a dirty house, never had to
cook, and farted whenever he wanted.

The End
--------------------------------------------------------------------

: Sexual harrasment

A woman starts work at an office on monday morning and after 1/2 an hour
or so a guy comes up to her and says wow ur hair sure smells good today
to which she replies thankyou.....this goes on for nearly 2 weeks and shes
just about had enuff so she goes to her supervisor to make a complaint about
sexual harrassment to which the supervisor replies "well most girls would
appreciate comments like that"
Yes she replies but its keith the bloody dwarf!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

: Fly hunting

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


: NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!”
Open forum




DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Blond Moments]

Still, i like them all. still cant think of any (i think im just itching for a p.c. that has sacred installed), so keep em coming.

(P.S. I'm coming home from Ohio today, back to IL. Cya!)

[Omi]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:

"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll
give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the
cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.

<HR SIZE=1>

[Sanny]

Mummy balloon, daddy balloon and little baby balloon.
Baby balloon was scared of the dark and didn't like sleeping in his own bed. Each night he would sneak into his parents room and try to get into bed with them. One night he came in and tried to get in next to his mum, but he woke her and she took him back to his own room, tucked him in and sat with him 'til he went to sleep. The next night, he tried again, on his dads side. However, his dad woke up, and carried baby balloon back to his own bed. This went on for a few days. He knew he needed to be quieter in order to not wake his parents.

Next night, he went in to their room, as quietly and gently as he could, he tried to slip into bed next to his mum, but there was no room. He tip toed to his dads side of the bed, but again, he couldn't get in. He thought he'd try the middle so he crept up the bed and tried again. Still no room! He tried letting a little air out of his mum, still not enough room. He tried letting a little air out of his dad, but alas, there was still no room. Finally, he decided to let a little air out of himself... "Yes, that’s enough!", he thought as he slipped into bed between mum and dad balloon. He promptly fell asleep.

Next morning, his dad was angry when he woke to find baby balloon in bed with him. He sat baby balloon on the edge of the bed and said to him...

"I'm very upset with you. You've let me down, you've let your mum down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down!"


http://www.diegotorres.com.ar/mensajeitor/foro/caritas/120103_emA61_prv1.gif

[Omi]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.


She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,


"Why don't you just put it in park?"

[Sanny]

Enjoy.............

An archaeologist is the best husband a
woman can have;
the older she gets the more interested he
is in her.
--Agatha Christie
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A psychiatrist is a person who will give
you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than
married men;
if they didn't,they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later,
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"A man without a woman is like a fish
without a bicycle."
- U2
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.
------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two
hours.
That was only for the estimate.She got a
mudpack and looked great
for two days.Then the mud fell off.
------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am
I too late for the garbage?
"Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first?
The Dog of course..at least he'll shut up
after you let him in!

--------------------------

[Omi]

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

[Omi]

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or
not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is
no middle ground here.


AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these
two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way
designed to bring greater services to the American people.


RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road
because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.


PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.


RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it
was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?
How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens
crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say
tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.


DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've
not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.


BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to
the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to
accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.


ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.


SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend
to the death its right to do it.


RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?


CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?


BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.


MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.


ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?


THE BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.


COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

[FrostElfGuard]

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

[Sanny]

Herewith some equations - So where do you stand in life with
> > these...........

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.
A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about
the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Omi]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.


Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.


Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.


Yesterday, I read that sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading!!!

[Flashus_Rollus]

A Dog walks into the Labour Exchange and says he wants to sign for Unemplayment Benefit.

The man behind the counter sees no one there then he hears it again.

"I want to sign for Unemployment Benefit"

The man looks down and sees the dog and the dog says it again.

"I want to sign for Unemployment Benefit"

The man looks amazed and then realises how much money he could make so he tells the dog to come back tomorrow.

As soon as the dog is gone the man gets on the phone and rings a local circus. He says to the owner.
"How would u like a talking dog? Bet he would make you a lot of money."

The circus owner replies, "Sure thing and I will split it 50/50 with you."

Next day the dog is back and says again,

"I want to sign for Unemployment Benefit"

The man replies "you don't have to as I got you a job."

The dog says "Where?"

The man replies "The local circus"

The dog then says " What does the circus want with a bricklayer"

[Thorin Oakshield]

It's hard to believe, but this actually happened for real in Apeldoorn, The Netherlands.
We have a Royal Palace there, called Het Loo (the Loo) [ Loo (pronounced "loe" in English) is an old Dutch word for forest]; which became a museum a while ago.
However, "Toedeloe (pronounced "totheloo") is also a way to say goodbye in Dutch.


One day, a group of British tourists entered the bus station to buy tickets.
At some point one of them asked: "One to the Loo".
He paid, got his ticket and left.
Then the next one showed up, saying: "Two to the Loo".
He paid too, got his ticket and left.
After that a third one shows up and said: "Two to the Loo too."


Thorin.


PS: Try to pronounce the last one several times in a row as fast as you can. :D

[Sanny]

Latest Stella Awards
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

[Blond Moments]

What has 4 eyes but can not see?
You all probably know the answer, but I just wanted to post and see if y'all knew it.

[sinclsw007]

Mississippi!

:D

[Blond Moments]

Correcto, Perfecto! OK, so I speak a little Spanish. Just not with all of the little dashes and dots on top of the words.

[Sanny]

Church Bulletins are Back!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
-------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, do not forget the rummage sale.
It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been cancelled due to a conflict.

---------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who does not care much about you.

----------------------------------------------------------
Do not let worry kill you off --------- let the Church help.

----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again,"
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it
We have a nursery downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."

----------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

----------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

------- --------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

----------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed
due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.

----------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles
and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

----------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope
along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

------------------------------------------------- --------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM –
prayer and medication to follow.

----------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the
Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

---------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

----------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side
entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
Slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up
Yours"

[Blond Moments]

What has four legs but can not walk?

What has a nose but can't smell with it?

Why did the rooster cross the road?

Why is tennis such a loud sport?

[Omi]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Blond Moments]

LOL Omi, that's funny. The correct way to say it is "la computadora." Most of that is true, that most of the time they are the problem.

[Blond Moments]

What has four legs but can not walk?

What has a nose but can't smell with it?

Why did the rooster cross the road?

Why is tennis such a loud sport?
C'mon, won't anybody try to take a guess at these?

[sinclsw007]

A table has 4 legs but can't walk, tennis is loud because of the racket, the rooster crossed the road to **** the chicken - but the nose one I haven't got yet :) .

[Omi]

As a young minister, he was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the young minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. After apologizing to the workers for his tardiness, he stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place.

Assuring the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do, the minister began the service.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory". He preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

In closing, the lengthy service ended with a prayer and the young minister walked to his car feeling he had done his duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Omi]

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask s her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Blond Moments]

LOL Omi, that was sooo funny! I love the posts you make in this thread. :) :D

[FrostElfGuard]

C'mon, won't anybody try to take a guess at these?

What has a nose but cannot smell?

An airplane! :)

[Omi]

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to
dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife calmly replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Blond Moments]

What has a nose but cannot smell?

An airplane! :)
Yeah, that is one answer, I was thinking of a snake. Because you know, they smell with their tongue, not their nose. I guess that question has multiple answers if you think about it.

[Kittani]

A Girls Guide to Geek Guys-

Why Geek Dudes Rule
* They are generally available.
* Other women will tend not to steal them.
* They can fix things.
* Your parents will love them.
* They're smart.

Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

Imprinting
You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle
The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies
Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Anonymous

[Sanny]

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner.

One bloke says to the other,

"I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding."

The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"

"Oh she'll be dressed in white."

[Omi]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.


Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

<DD>





``````````````````````````````````





"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."


-Mariah Carey, Singer

````````````

<DD>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

<DD>

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

<DD>
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"


--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

<DD>


--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC., USA

`````````````````````````````

<DD>




"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."




Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"


--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."


--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


--Al Gore, Former Vice President, USA


And:

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."


--Al Gore



```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Dan Quayle



``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

<DD>


Lee Iacocca

```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -


Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."


Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

Bill Clinton, Former President

````````````````

<DD>"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

<DD>


Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."


Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina, USA

````````````````````````````````````````````

<DD>




"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."






Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?


</DD>

[Blond Moments]

That's funny Omi, do you make all this stuff up? Or get it all off the internet?

[Wrage]

Omi! That's awesome!! I printed those out for my wife - she'll love em! Even better than the Darwin Awards! :D

[Omi]

That's funny Omi, do you make all this stuff up? Or get it all off the internet?

Oh I wish I could write jokes like this. No, mostly e-mails that I receive from friends all over the states. I love to laugh, and my friends know this...so they fill my box up and I pass them on to you guys. Glad you like 'em.

[Blond Moments]

Like 'em? LOVE 'EM! lol. Keep it up ;)

[Omi]

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick

[Blond Moments]

LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOLLLL!!!!!! LOVE that one. :D

[FrostElfGuard]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
came to his money. Just before he died, he
said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all
my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all
of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his
wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box
with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money
! in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money in that casket with him." You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I
got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he
can cash it, he can spend it."

[Omi]

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so!

[Thorin Oakshield]

I just came over this, when showing some movies at the IMDb site to a friend.

It's a quote the English prolly understand better as the rest of our members:




When asked by a local why the Battle of Stirling Bridge was filmed on an open plain, Gibson answered that "the bridge got in the way". "Aye," the local answered. "That's what the English found."




Thorin

[Omi]

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!" "Thank
you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on
Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept.

Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find
no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil!
This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who! says rednecks aren't real bright?!)